The Cownose Yuppies of the Elysian Fields

If the Hindu religion is correct and there is something to this reincarnation thing, I already know what I want to come back as in my next life.

A Cownose Ray.

I know the gig about reincarnation. Everybody who had a previous life was always somebody famous. Nobody was ever a Mongolian sheep herder in a previous life or a sports writer for the Mayan News-Press.

But being a Cownose Ray is the life for me.

What is a Cownose Ray? Well….it’s an aquatic animal that is similar to the Devil Ray, but with a better public relations image.

So the Tampa Bay Devil Rays – who have learned to seriously downplay the Satanic portion of their name – have adopted the Cownose Ray instead even though their official habitat is not Tampa Bay or even the Gulf of Mexico but Chesapeake Bay, several hundred miles to the north.

Thirty of these aquatic bovines currently enjoy their own luxury box at Tropicana Field, a 10,000 gallon water tank located on a porch just above the center field fence and roughly 420-440 feet away from home plate.

The front is 20-feet wide, made of clear acrylic, meaning the Cow Rays get a great view of the mighty Devil Rays.

Not surprisingly, it’s the only "ray touch tank" at a professional sports venue, which I guess means it’s a glorified petting zoo.

Anyway, the Cownose usually hangs out in Chesapeake Bay, but is also been known to migrate as far north as Massachusetts and as far south as Brazil, with the occasional sidetrip to Venezuela and Trinidad and Tobago.

Sounds like some Beacon Hill-born, Harvard-educated yuppie to me.

Their diet includes clams, oysters, shrimp, squid, lobsters and crab.

In other words, they spend all their day hanging out at the local Raw Bar. Apparently though, the Tropicana Field bunch, who are watched over by the Florida Aquarium, dine on squid.

Or Calamari as it’s known in fine restaurants everywhere and no word yet on what kind of wine they like to go with that.

But apparently they are having a grand old time because at least two of the Rays are pregnant.

Or as the St. Petersburg Times wrote: "The Rays are hitting homers at Tropicana Field."

Writer John Barry says it’s not the baseball team but the 20 male and ten female Cownose Rays in the tank.

"They’re the ones who seem to be scoring," Barry said.

Nicholas Burch, the enviromental scientist who has the arduous duty of looking after his yuppie fish, says he thinks two are pregnant because they have swollen bellies.

But what does he expect when they’re hanging around a Raw Bar all day, swimming in their luxury box and able to watch baseball games all night long.

The only danger is a home run landing in the tank, but it’s covered with a net during batting practice.

If a Devil Rays player hits one into the tank during a game, the team donates $5,000 to charity and no doubt the Cownose Rays have had a good chuckle over that one. So far, no money has yet to pass hands.

No such deal is in place if an opponent splashes one in the tank and the Cownose have no doubt learned by now it’s far more important with this baseball to pay attention when the visiting team is up.

Then it gets a little risky but otherwise, what could be better than coming back to life as fat lazy Cownose Ray? Just hope the male-to-female ratio is a little more equal in the next tank.